Daniel Reid is a writer living in Calgary, Alberta. When he's not freezing through a harsh prairie winter, he's inspiring new Canadians at a small but prominent university in Calgary. You can also check out his blog if you’re in need of a good chuckle or scare. Sometimes they go together.
Mama and the Baby
Mama just had the baby. The thing wasn't more than three days old when Mama decided to take the baby on its first walk. I always wonder if she knew what was going to happen on that fine sunny Friday morning.
The baby was unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome. Before the little monster was born we'd sit around the living room, watching “Duck Dynasty” and laugh as the little tyke would kick Mama's belly so hard we thought it was trying to escape. And maybe it was. Looking back now, I guess we never thought how strange it was that the baby seemed to kick with the rapidity of a machine gun. Hindsight is twenty-twenty.
Anyway it was a cold Friday even though the sun was shining. It was one of those days where the sun puts your face on fire, but your breath hangs in the air like a cloudy waterfall. It was a perfect day for the midget’s first exploration outside, into that great unknown and mysterious world where the unexpected is expected. Mama tightly wrapped the wee one making sure its face and hands were covered. When she got to the baby's feet, she made sure they were bundled so securely the bottom half of the bundle looked like an Egyptian artifact. Feet and hands get so cold when you’re not moving. You gotta keep the blood pumping on these cold days
Mama got outside and stuffed the swaddled one inside the carriage. She walked briskly down the sidewalk. The crunch of wheels and feet on the snowy path sounded like penguins walking over bubble wrap in a freezer.
Soon, however, the baby carriage began to shake and bounce like there were a thousand bombs going off under its hood. Mama turned around and above the tall picket fence right beside her were four of the most despicable creatures ever. They were short and hair dangled over their entire body, so if they had feet, they were not noticeable. They also had blood red eyes popping out at Mama and the baby, but the scariest thing of all were the sharp jagged teeth, protruding from their hairy faces. As Mama began to walk faster, the baby carriage began to rock even more violently. The creepy hairballs followed the carriage and began to make the most awful gurgling sounds as if water were boiling in their mouths. Mama began to walk faster. The hairballs followed and quickly caught up until they were now directly over Mama. They began to drool over the carriage, ready to pounce on Mama and the baby.
Mama was afraid, so she reached inside the carriage and grabbed the little swaddled monster. She unwrapped its legs and brought it out into the open. Eight tiny talon feet poked free and began to spin like a table saw. Mama raised the baby feet towards the now lunging hair balls and ripped them to pieces. Hair and blood flew into the clear blue sunny sky, creating big puffs of red clouds. Blood also splattered against the fence, staining it as if a group of children had chucked blood filled snow balls against the wooden fort wall.
Mama quickly looked around the horror scene, fearful that someone may have seen it. She carefully wrapped the baby’s feet, Egyptian style. She put the little monster back in the carriage and continued her walk through the strange but cold and sunny day, whistling as she went.